Oops I Did It Again...........

I did something really stupid today. Ever heard of the sites http://www.hotornot.com and http://www.ratingmylooks.com ? Well, I submitted photos there. The profiles have to be approved by a moderator so they're not available for rating yet. But wait a minute....why am I doing this to myself? I did this years ago and got pretty negative results that crushed my self-esteem. I want to be pretty. I want to feel pretty. It's hard to do that when you're 196 lbs like me. I feel like I need constant validation. I'm a perfectionist. I want to be the best at everything, the prettiest, the smartest, and I know deep down that's not possible. That's one of my biggest problems, I'll admit. Perfectionists usually tend to drive people crazy, but it's a disease. It's like we have no control and are constantly disappointing myself. Not sure if it's related to having Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder/Anxiety Disorder or what.

Anyway, back to the topic. Why did I do this? I've never been one of the popular girls, the partying type, the type that dates a new person each day. Guys's looks matter very little to me. It's their sense of humor, their personality that attracts me, yet I feel in order to be attractive to them I have to look perfect.




When I was a kid, I was super skinny (a far cry from now, hahahaha), and just had a weird looking face. I was teased a lot and that made me grow up thinking I was ugly. I truly don't believe I'm ugly now, but the only people that are attracted to me are older guys---over 35 and such. It's strange. I know I don't appeal to people my age. I have a  "different" look.


Anyway, I'm rambling on. I'm going to delete those profiles because I don't think I could stand the rejection again of getting negative reviews. Besides, I know I'm not looking for just any guy to date, so why the hell am I doing this? I don't have the answer.