"I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful."--Bob Wiley, What About Bob?

You don't know how many times I've had to chant this to myself over the past month, especially in the morning.

I ended up in the crisis center Christmas night.

The previous Thursday I went back up to 100 mg of Zoloft, as prescribed. I figured I shouldn't keep changing my dosages without talking to my doctor. I felt pretty good that day, though I was getting easily irritated. I went over my parents' house to spend Christmas with them since I was off Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Christmas Eve I was a bit down but okay, just like Christmas day. I came back to my grandmothers house to spend Christmas here with other members of my family. I was okay then, but then we were getting word of the upcoming snow storm that would start on Sunday and my anxiety got out of hand. I freaked out, feeling both depressed and anxious at the same time, so many different conflicting emotions and starting feeling like I wanted to kill myself again. I felt like I needed to be hospitalized. I had snapped. I felt broken and fragile. I went to the crisis center but by that time I was in a pretty down mood, not caring what happened to me anymore. They kept me overnight but didn't keep me because I wasn't blatantly suicidal. They didn't give me my Seroquel or Xanax that night so I hardly slept. The male nurse that came on at 7 am finally got orders to give me Ativan, which calmed me a bit. I was released at 10 went home and slept most of the day in a blah mood. I found out I was off of work on Monday, which made me feel better. I was so freaked out about having to dig my car out and get to work even though I knew if I called out I would be excused because of the weather. We got between 12" and 15" inches.

Monday I woke up and I was out of my mind with anxiety. I felt like I was going crazy. I called my psychiatrist but found out she was on vacation this week! I already had an appointment lined up for January 7th though. I went to see my family doctor and she was very concerned about the mood swings but she couldn't change my meds. She gave me permission to take up to two extra Xanaxs if my attacks got really bad. To be honest, I wasn't taking them 3x a day as prescribed. I know that Xanax is VERY addictive and I didn't want to have to depend on them for every situation. I also wasn't taking the 150 mgs of Seroquel as prescribed. I was only taking 100 mgs for the longest time. I have to cut them up and I didn't think 50 mgs would make a difference. She also put me out of work until I see my psychiatrist. That night I took my Xanax and Seroquel as prescribed. Yesterday I felt really down and tired most of the day but no suicidal thoughts or unbearable anxiety. Somebody from the crisis center actually came out to visit me to see how I was doing. Apparently there was some miscommunication in my chart. I had told them that the past week I had been looking on the internet for ways to kill myself with overdosing on pills, but apparently they thought I said I was going to go home and do that. The supervisor on yesterday didn't understand why I was released and was concerned but I told the crisis worker that that was a mistake and I wasn't suicidal when I left.

Today I feel okay. Almost good. I'm going to a service provided by the crisis center and hospital for an evaluation for a therapist. Maybe I can see a psychiatrist. What worries me are the mood swings. I could feel great today but lousy tomorrow. I've been through all that before. In some ways, though I feel Zoloft is primarily responsible for the panic/anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and depressions, it's helped me a bit. When I don't have the mood swings, I feel more comfortable around people and feel like I'm able to concentrate on things better. I've been on so many different antidepressants and mood stabilizers and there have been many horrible side effects. I hate feeling foggy in my mind, stupid, irritable, blah and gaining weight and many of these meds cause these. It may sound crazy after all that's happened, but I feel a little hesitant right now to get off the Zoloft. I may need something else on top of the meds but I fear the side effects. I fear I may never be able to lead a normal life, accomplish goals I want, because I'm so unstable.